Focus on Creating the Relationship, The Dream Person Will Follow
By Kelly Delvecchio with Christine Alexander
Dear Future Children,
You often hear people say that chivalry is dead or that there aren’t any good men or women around these days. Sometimes, this leads women and men to date people that are less than gentlemen or ladies. In this 'Tinder' dating world, it’s not hard to see why many people out there are jaded. In my generation, people think that the potential partner is only in it for the ‘benefits,’ whatever those may be (money, sex, etc.) But the truth is that this is a belief. There are people out there who are seeking the same type of relationship as you, but you have to believe they exist before you can find them. Is it really so crazy to think that you could have an enjoyable relationship in which you both receive what you want and deserve? While the world may change from generation to generation; it’s important to be adamant about what you want in a partner and not play into “the guys/girls of my generation are xyz.” These are excuses people use because they’re afraid they’ll never find what they really want.
The obstacles we face all begin with this little thing called beliefs. Our beliefs are picked up from people or things around us when we are very young, often even before we can speak or walk. We interpret information about relationships from our parents, television, friends, and family. These interpretations, which are usually wrong, create our idea of what we believe a relationship is. When we see happy couples, we label them as unrealistic. Many of us do not believe in 'happily ever after' when we see it in movies- we think those are just fairy tales. This is our first problem; many people don’t actually believe that good, healthy relationships exist. At any point in your life, you can make the decision and take action to change a belief, but first you have to be aware that you have a belief in the first place.
In this letter, I’m speaking about the beliefs around love relationships. If you want to find a significant other, you must first imagine the relationship you want and stop focusing specifically on the details of the person. If you get too detailed on appearance or where you want to find this person (riding out on horseback at sunset, perhaps?) then you create limitations for the universe. You end up getting in your own way. Essentially, you create what you don’t want. You may find someone who looks exactly like what you want your potential partner to look like but who acts nothing like how you want your potential partner to act.
I’ve spent plenty of time focusing on the person and it kept bringing me relationships - but ones that I didn’t enjoy. I liked the person I was dating, but the connection just wasn’t there. They might be awesome people, but they weren’t the right one for me. They weren’t necessarily doing anything wrong and I wasn’t necessarily doing anything wrong, but we weren’t fulfilling each other’s expectations. I might have liked the person, but not the way I was being treated.
Sometimes, when that happens, people take it personally and wonder why this person, who is perfect in many ways, won’t treat them ‘right.’ They think they need to change or fix the person so that they are the perfect partner. The problem is, they had on their rose colored glasses when they first met the person, got ahead of themselves, and failed to see that while the potential partner may look like their perfect match... they weren’t actually seeing the person for who they really are. Maybe they don’t actually share the same interests, don’t communicate the same way, or express caring in ways the other person can’t understand.
Focus on the ways you want to be treated in the relationship and how you want to spend your time together. By being specific about the connection you would like to have, you open your eyes to the people who would provide that connection. Make a list and include things you would like to do with your potential partner. Are you into kayaking? Do you enjoy going to basketball games? Is it important to you that you can share that with your partner? Include the ways in which your partner would interact with you at the games or kayaking. Does it matter to you if the person kayaks far ahead of you because they’re faster? Do you want your partner to offer to bring you a beer if they get up or would you want to grab it yourself? Be specific about the traits you would like your partner to have: conscientiousness, listening skills, independence, willingness to try new things…. If you haven’t thought about whether or not it’s important that your partner enjoys sushi or knows about wine, but it bothers you when someone you’re dating has no interest in these things then those items need to be on your list.
Often, people don’t know what they want. They just know they want someone. Well, someone will show up, but you haven’t been specific about what you want in someone. You get involved with someone, because here someone is! You created someone when what you really wanted was the one. Would you have settled for someone if you were looking for the one? No. And by doing this, you set someone up for automatic failure. Eventually, someone won’t meet the needs that the one would. Instead of recognizing what we did, we often blame someone. “They misled us,” we think. No, unfortunately, we misled ourselves.
Shift the focus to the type of relationship you want to have with the one and then, when you date, you will be able to see better whether or not the relationship will serve you. If you start with the relationship, it makes it easier to see the right person when they show up.
Of course, an important piece to this puzzle is knowing yourself, i.e. your likes, your values, and your beliefs. What do you like and what is important for you in a partner? You don't need to do EVERYTHING with one another (that would be a different problem!), but you definitely need to share some similar interests in order to spend time together that will be fulfilling for both of you. You may be surprised that the things you’ve been focusing on aren’t really at all what you want when you actually stop to think about it. So get to thinking on this and stay tuned for Part 2, in which I’ll talk about why not knowing who you are creates roadblocks to healthy relationships. If you are a serial monogamist; you may find that this section is especially important for you!
Part 2: Enjoy Time Alone, Get to Know Yourself will be out next week!
Kelly DelVecchio is interested in leading a healthy lifestyle through studying spiritual healing, Ayurveda medicine and aromatherapy. To fulfill her passion for holistic healing, she began her personal brand Fit Is Fun in November 201, which offers health and fitness coaching. Kelly is a 200 hour Certified Yoga Teacher, certified in Reiki level 1 & 2 and recently became a DoTERRA Wellness Advocate for essential oils. Kelly is continuing her education by currently fulfilling requirements towards becoming a 500 Hour Registered Yoga Teacher and Certified Personal Trainer. Kelly was fortunate to be given the opportunity to volunteer for the 12.14 Foundation in Newtown, CT for two consecutive years, which involved a team of highly knowledgeable leaders that presented hands on activities to build strengths, confidence and personal development to young children in the arts program. Kelly enjoys spending her time in nature, practicing yoga and loves to play volleyball. Follow Kelly on Instagram @fitisfun_ or contact her at Kelly@fitisfun.net. www.fitisfun.org.
Christine is the editor at Miylana.com and she records the podcast How to Survive Earth School with Janice Corsano. Aside from managing the blog, she also works as the marketing manager for Miylana and assistant to Janice Corsano. She has two of her own side businesses, CT Haunted History Tours, and Old Soul Holistic. Christine also works at Two Coyotes Wilderness School as a mentor, is Reiki I and II certified, holds a certificate in Green Medicine from the Open Center in NY and enjoys writing, yoga and growing her own veggies. She has two dogs, three jobs, and zero free time. And she loves everything she does.