I always wished I had a little more warning when I was younger about what I’d be getting myself into as I began dating. It felt like I needed a letter written by someone who would share their lessons, experience and knowledge from their past relationships. That’s when I thought I’d love to write a letter to my future children that they can read and refer to as they are entering the crazy, fast, exciting, challenging and messy thing we call dating. Many of us don’t want to listen to our parents about dating – “Eek, what do they know?!” we think.  This is why I want to write this letter now, as the ‘younger’ me. Perhaps they'll be curious to know what I was like before I was "Mom." I thought I would share what I know now with you all, too, as I've learned much during my years of dating. I've been working with Janice Corsano to change the beliefs and expectations I had around relationships and have really come to have a new understanding of how they work, and why they often don't work. This series will be divided into five parts. I hope you enjoy it!

Kelly DelVecchio
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​Kelly DelVecchio is interested in leading a healthy lifestyle through studying spiritual healing, Ayurveda medicine and aromatherapy.  To fulfill her passion for holistic healing, she began her personal brand Fit Is Fun in November 201, which offers health and fitness coaching.  Kelly is a 200 hour Certified Yoga Teacher, certified in Reiki level 1 & 2 and recently became a DoTERRA Wellness Advocate for essential oils. Kelly is continuing her education by currently fulfilling requirements towards becoming a 500 Hour Registered Yoga Teacher and Certified Personal Trainer.  Kelly was fortunate to be given the opportunity to volunteer for the 12.14 Foundation in Newtown, CT for two consecutive years, which involved a team of highly knowledgeable leaders that presented hands on activities to build strengths, confidence and personal development to young children in the arts program. Kelly enjoys spending her time in nature, practicing yoga and loves to play volleyball.  Follow Kelly on Instagram @fitisfun_ or contact her at [email protected]. ​ www.fitisfun.org.

Christine Alexander
Christine is the editor at Miylana.com and she records the podcast How to Survive Earth School with Janice Corsano. Aside from managing the blog, she also works as the marketing manager for Miylana and assistant to Janice Corsano. She has two of her own side businesses, CT Haunted History Tours, and Old Soul Holistic. Christine also works at Two Coyotes Wilderness School as a mentor, is Reiki I and II certified, holds a certificate in Green Medicine from the Open Center in NY and enjoys writing, yoga and growing her own veggies. She has two dogs, three jobs, and zero free time. And she loves everything she does.

Imagine a rainstorm, and water trickling down gullies, over rocks and around logs, gaining momentum as other water droplets connect, until it turns into a stream or river and begins to flow.  Eventually, it arrives to its final destination - a lake, or perhaps the ocean.

Or, better yet, imagine a carrier pigeon with a note attached to its leg and directions to take the message to a known recipient.  

These visualizations describe the process of intention.  Intention is an aspect of creation.  The definition of intention is a thing intended; an aim or plan. 

Intention is three parts: Purpose, Goal, Action

Now consider "expectation."  Expectation is defined as a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future or a belief that someone will or should achieve something.  In the case of the carrier pigeon metaphor, having an expectation is akin to believing the person at the other end of the message will receive it and know your needs without you ever having sent the pigeon.  It's like expecting a lake to fill with water without the aid of gravity.

If intention is three parts, purpose, goal and action; then expectation is one part: assumption.

Why didn't our expectations get met?  Expectation should be better known as what it truly is: a set up.  We set ourselves up for disappointment by creating expectations.  It is a belief that something ought to happen a specific way.  This belief is a hard line, one that limits other possibilities by refusing to acknowledge that there is another way to get what we would like.  Expectation presumes that there is a right way.  The idea of a right way is built on judgement and judgement is based in fear.  

We use judgement to separate ourselves from the things we are afraid that we are. Therefore expectation is, at it's root, fear.  When we have an expectation, it creates from fear, and seeks to prove that we are right or worthy. Expectation is ego that is cloaked in deserving-ness. It is our insecurity asking for proof that we do matter.  More often than not, however, we find a way to be disappointed because we didn't actually believe we mattered in the first place. When we seek outside ourselves for approval, approval can never come, because true approval comes from within.

We mention above that the root feeling associated with expectation is fear.  Expectation is imbued with the an energy of what should happen, or what would be correct, and is therefore, ultimately, a judgement.  If we expect our partner to show us love by being home every night at 5:30, and they aren't doing that, then we may miss that they also brought home dinner with them or that yesterday they made the bed before leaving for work.  We may not see those actions as proof of caring for you; it's just something they do.  The judgement you unknowingly made is that the right way for them to show you that they care is by being home.  A judgement ultimately says, I know better than you do.  It implies that I am better.  Typically, people who need to prove that they are better by judging are really trying to cover up self-esteem issues.  What it really means is that they are afraid that they aren't good enough and so they are running around trying to prove that they are through the vehicles of expectation, judgement, and ego.

The problem with this is that the universe only sees the energy you are putting out, which is at its root fearful.  It doesn't see that you are really asking for caring, approval, or love. It will give you what you ask for. 

If, through your expectations, you are really saying you feel insecure about something; then no outcome will be good enough to prove to you that you are worthy.  People can and probably have won the Nobel peace prize and still felt that it didn't stack up to their expectations of themselves.  

It goes like this:

Expectation
I expect to be treated well --> my partner was late getting home --> that makes me feel like they don't care --> I am not treated well --> lose the partner because they aren't meeting my needs.

Unstated fact: I deserve to be treated well because I don't really feel important, and I need others to show me that I am important by meeting my needs.  
Sponsoring emotions: fear, unworthiness, judgement, victimization
Result: Expectation not met, fearful beliefs proven. Self fulfilling prophecy.

Versus Intention:
I intend to have a loving relationship in which both parties feel cared about --> my partner was late getting home --> what's going on with them that this happened? --> how can I communicate with them that I'd like to spend more time with them because that makes me feel loved --> communication of feelings --> resolution, plan for the future

Unstated fact: I am important and so is my partner.  I care about them and I care about me and I want us both to have what we need in the relationship.
Sponsoring emotions: caring, self worth, compassion
Result: Intention seen through, communication gap bridged, more understanding, resolution.

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Intentions allow for fluidity.  For you, the metaphor of the river is important in this instance.  The water does not stop flowing because a rock gets put in its way; it finds a way around it.  Does it really matter which way the bird goes as long as it accomplishes its task?  No, not really.  An intention is always trying to find the way to create itself through you.  That is the magic of it.  How can you communicate to your partner that you love them and want to spend time with them without having it be about the fulfillment of your needs solely?  An intention allows for multiple scenarios to play out while maintaining your root goals.  The difference is, it requires your participation, your willingness to be flexible, and it requires that you communicate and share your needs and ask others about theirs.

So this is ultimately how we sabotage ourselves. Our expectations lead us astray by making us think that we are deserving of something while all along we are telling the universe that we pretty much don't think that we do deserve it. Expectation looks outside for proof of what we are afraid we are not. The problem is that if that thing show up exactly the way we need it to, expected it to be, or assumed it should be, then we use it as proof of our worst fears about ourselves. That is sabotage, and it keeps a lot of people from pursuing things  that they would really like and could easily do. It also causes people to give up on people and goals that they do not need to give up on.

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How can you more readily use intentions to create a better, happier life?  

To begin with, set intentions for yourself. You can set them in the morning for your day, for the week, for the month, for your year, even for your life!  

Find a way to actively pursue the things you would like to create for yourself, but remain open to alternative ways of getting it.

If something doesn't occur the way you intended it to, be like the river water and find a way around the block. A professor of mine used to say that "no" is a fluid, not a solid. There's always a way to reach what you want, and if there appears to be too many road blocks, maybe consider what energy is sponsoring your want of that thing.

If it isn't aligned with the feelings of love, compassion, self-worth, or joy, then you may need to reconsider why you want the thing you are going after.

Remember, you cannot intend for someone else to do something. You can intend something for yourself, and you can intend something for a team in which you are a part, but intentions do not work as a tool for commanding. At it's root, intention respects each individual's needs for personal happiness.
 

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We discuss how our expectations and assumptions can create our world without our really realizing it on our podcast, How to Survive Earth School. Check it out for more info!

​-Christine

After posting this, Janice and I spoke again about soulmates and she had a few edits.  Since I write from my own experience, it can sometimes be hard to see that I'm not being objective.  Janice showed me that I generalized alot of my experience in ways that would not apply to many people.  Please check out the below edits, and let us know if you have questions!

In working with Janice, we've come time and again to the concept of soulmates.  I, like most people growing up, was inundated with visions of the classic soulmate.  I believed that when I met the person of my dreams, I would know it.  I would recognize them, and we would be like two complimentary puzzle pieces.

It took several failed relationships to begin to see that while the idea of a soulmate is romantic; it may not be accurate.

I recently sat down and asked Janice about this.  No matter how many times I saw that an instantaneous connection didn't automatically mean I'd met my twin flame; I was still having difficulty releasing the idea that there was one - and only one - person for me.

Janice had much to say on the matter, which I was frankly grateful for as I find the whole thing really frustrating!  I am recognizing patterns in my beliefs when it comes to relationships, i.e. that they are hard, that it's scary to be vulnerable, that a partner won't see the real me or value me for who I am, etc. etc.  At the end of the day, though, it just didn't seem like there were all that many prospects, which made those strong connections all the more alluring and potent.  And yet, they often left me disappointed.

Janice says that a soulmate is someone you have a contract with to fulfill a karmic debt to.  
[Edit: Janice mentions here that a "karmic debt to" isn't the exact right way to think about it.  Soulmate interactions don't have to be negative, or challenging.  They help you resolve issues from past lives.  It's not to say that soulmate relationships won't last - they definitely can.  But one shouldn't go into every new potential partnership thinking that they may have finally met their one and only.  That just sets you up.  Instead, remain open to see what may happen.]

If you have had a passionate love affair that left you in ruins; chances are that that person was in fact a soulmate.  

​But that person won't be the only soul mate you'll have.  

A soulmate connection is one in which both parties can use the relationship as an opportunity to learn something new, or resolve past issues.  Because we've had many past lives; we have many soulmates.

This was a relief to hear because I had consistently looked at breaking up with someone as a failure on my part.  Janice says, though, that many of these meetings are planned, and that they occur for a specific purpose.  This has allowed me to look more closely at the lesson I may have missed rather than feel burdened by the mistakes I thought I made.

Still, the soulmate idea is hard to let go of.  It's really attractive to think that there is someone out there who is the equal and partner of my spirit.  To have someone who would fill your needs totally and whose needs you filled totally would be a dream come true, wouldn't it?  It would bring an end to the endless searching, the fear of abandonment or rejection, and the valid concern that eventually one or the both of you would begin to feel dissatisfied, bored, or unhappy with the other.  

In a way, though, the "one true love" idea is limiting.  I suppose I cling to the happy ending ideal when really - the people who I have had the pleasure of loving were all equal partners of my spirit. When you really think about it; that is a lovely idea too.  

There will be many people who come into your life to love you and be loved by you, teach you, and then depart, giving you the freedom to love again and learn something different.

[Edit: Janice mentions that it's not only romantic partners that are soulmates.  You can also have a soulmate connection with a friend or family member.  The soulmate connection transcends romance.]  

Still, I feel familiar enough with the pitfalls of romantic love and am sort of ready to stop experiencing the heartache of separation.  So I asked Janice "what are we to look for, what signs are we to find meaning in in the search for a life partner?"

Soulmates can provide us the dynamite that helps to blow up our illusions we have about life and love.  There is an aspect to romantic heartache that is almost cathartic.  Once the smoke has cleared, you may be surprised to find that overcoming it all has helped you to release many of your false beliefs.  We have to be very careful, though, not to fall into the blame game, get caught up on attachment to outcome, or fall into victim mode.  We must learn to look for the lesson; what the relationship or experience can tell us about ourselves and what we believe.  Unfortunately, many people get scared and close themselves off to learning, don't take any responsibility, and end up closing their hearts to love.

If you can resist the urge to lock up your heart, and instead attempt to open yourself again to love then you may find that the next relationship will be a little easier on you.  Especially if you have learned that when things don't "work out;" it is because it was a lesson, and isn't a reflection of your worth.***

[***It should be noted that much of this essay is written from my own experience, and does not imply generalizations for what everyone's soulmate experience will be like.  For me, I have used intense connections to prove that romantic love has to be dramatic, that people leave you, and that I am unlovable.  Many more people have experiences that are much less charged but are still incredibly passionate, intense and loving.  In my life, I have taken passionate to mean dramatic.  This is something I am trying to change.]
 
When this is where you find yourself, you are on your way to finding what Janice terms a "life mate."  

"Life mates" are a soul mate that you have worked out more with through the course of your past lives together. [Edit: Janice wants to make sure that we all understand that a Lifemate connection is not a lesser connection.  Lifemate connections will be intense connections and passionate.  She says that they will also be easier and lighter, however.]  The connection with them will feel easier and lighter.  To me, in the past, that meant that there wasn't a strong connection, but I believe it may be more subtle, and gentler, which is why it's a little harder to spot. [Again, this is me speaking from my own experience in which romantic love and passion meant drama, having to work to prove yourself, and only really pursuing someone who wasn't acting like they liked you all that much.  To me anyone who liked me back obviously wasn't good enough. If they were good then why would they like me?  Twisted, I know.  For me, it's been work to let someone like me, respect me, and not feel like it was somehow a lesser relationship because of the lack of drama.  I'm still learning!]

That isn't to say that there wouldn't still be passion or sensuality between you.  These are necessary for any healthy relationship.  [Janice points out that this is a pretty dispassionate way to describe passion.  She says, in reality the passion between yourself and your lifemate will be wonderful, there will be a great connection, and it will be improved by the fact that you will work together to keep the relationship going.  The connection you have will drive you to work to stay together.]  What Janice says is that a life mate relationship is built on friendship.  "Afterall," she says, "even if you had sex for an hour a day, that still leaves twenty three hours you have to spend with them, so you better like them." 

Well, there is certainly alot of truth to that!  : )

So, look for who you communicate well with.  Who can you be a friend with, and feel supported by and support in return?  Why do you feel has your best interest at heart and isn't attempting to dominate you, or on the flip side, have you prop them up?  And if you feel that way, can you find a way to talk with them about how their energy is affecting you?   

I know that for myself as I go forward, I intend to remain open to possibility and try to look for the lesson rather than clinging to the idea of "the one."  Happy hunting!***

***As a final note, Janice and I spoke extensively about this and she wanted me to reiterate that a lifemate is a soulmate that you may have worked out more with.  The connection is just as strong as any soulmate.  You don't have one soulmate, you have many.  The drama and pain that came from my experiences with soulmates resulted from my own mistaken ideas.  I believed there would be only one person, one soulmate, and so when I would have a connection; I put all of my hopes into that person, and then would become really heartbroken when it wouldn't work out (especially since I'd put so much effort into and pressure on it).  Does this resonate for you? This is still something I'm working out, and trying to understand that the idea that there are many soulmates doesn't make a soulmate connection less important.  I am still trying to accept that a lifemate connection is a strong soulmate connection, and not something that would be settling for less, which is sort of how I've been conceptualizing it.  Anyway, let us hear your thoughts!

For more info on love and relationships check out our podcast How to Survive Earth School, now available on Itunes and Soundcloud!