Know your worth, know you deserve the best.
Settling: why do we do it? To settle means to accept something we don’t necessarily want in lieu of something we really want, typically because we find some excuse to tell ourselves why we aren't able to achieve it or we are afraid that it doesn’t exist. A common reason for settling is for protection. We want to feel safe, it’s totally understandable, and relationships can often be scary territory for people. If someone is offering you love even if you know they are not the right person for you, many people feel compelled to accept it and thus stop trying to find the person who gives them butterflies. We are often afraid if we strive for what we really want in a relationship, we believe the chances of getting hurt increase, and the idea of pain from failure or rejection would be unbearable.
People also settle due to the expectations of the way life should be; family pressure, egoic reasons having to do with status of being in a relationship, concerns over time element, or pessimism that the person who you would really want to be with doesn’t exist. Feeling that it can be risky to search until we find someone who would truly be equally compatible to us; such as similar interests, same beliefs on dating, or anything that makes you say 'wow this is the perfect person for me'. Sometimes, we know that there is someone who we can easily be in a relationship with but they aren’t really a good match, we alter our interests and adjust our dreams just to have this relationship. For some people, this arrangement works out lovely. They feel safe in the relationship that they have and aren’t concerned about pushing their boundaries with someone who would truly challenge them. But for many of us, settling is just that. Perhaps we know something is wrong, but we are afraid to or don’t know how to move on. We settle in these relationships because it feels too risky to leave what seems to be relatively safe and routine. When we settle for something less than what we want, we’re really just remarking on an incompatibility. Instead of being brave on the adventure of dating, with the ever present possibility of failure, or worse - eternal spinster or bachelorhood (no!).
We make up time constraint excuses as to why we need to settle, I hear many discussions of thoughts that we are running out of time, that for some reason at a certain age we must have it all figured out and we need to settle down (usually 30 years old). But what happens if we don't meet that deadline? I'll tell you what won't happen, your world will not end and you are not losing time. Life is a journey, you are always growing and changing, flow with it by creating a time frame.
In the words of William G.T. Shedd “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are built for.” We weren’t put on this planet to always take the safe route and never push ourselves to experience discomfort or take risks. We are here to explore, enjoy, fail, make mistakes, get back up again, and try again. See how far we can go. We should choose to take chances and be vulnerable. By taking chances we are making the decision not to settle, with these chances we get to truly see how far in life we can get, what our true limits are, if we have them, grow and learn new things that we might find enjoyable.
Some of this has to do with how we conceptualize failure. I was reading something the other day about how failure isn't an outcome, but true failure is not trying at all. Often, because we are afraid of failure, we instead fail by not taking any action. By not trying, we will not experience failure or success. There’s always the excuse, "well, I never really tried that hard anyway. If I had, I surely would have been successful.” But, you don’t really know that because you never got to test out the theory. Furthermore, you never got to see if you would have liked that thing you wanted to do or the person you thought you liked in the first place. It’s all just a theory that you created in your mind but never tested out. Even if you try it out, go after the big promotion, the music deal, the possible love of your life and it doesn’t go how you expected, at least you tried. Regardless of the outcome, whether good or bad, you had an experience. That is what is important in life; creating experiences, making decisions and learning along the way. You can afford to take risks, so take them! That’s what it is about. Don’t take it personally if it doesn’t go your way, and don’t be worried if you need to be alone for a while in the interim. As we’ve already spoken about; it’s good to spend time alone, but you can’t do that if you’re using a relationship as a crutch.
Don't limit what is available to you. We enjoy one another's dating stories sharing with friends , but too often we explain the bad stuff. I never used to tell my friends the cute stuff because I always thought the would find it nauseating. Thinking they don't want to hear the mushy stuff. So we would only complain to one another. See where that was taking us? Well, we were certainly settling and we were focusing on the negative so then we were feeding into the creation of more and more negative. Maintaining these relationships that we hate and significant others that we don't enjoy spending time with anymore. When I began to change the way I not only thought about but discussed my relationships, I was changing my relationships to more positive ones and I was helping my friends see the more positive ways to have a relationship. So it seems like to me, that as we settle we sit in a spiral effect of things we don't enjoy.
Janice created an exercise that helps align our desires to what we create. 'What If Up' is an exercise that teaches us to be aware of our thoughts. Once we know what we are thinking, we have the opportunity to adjust our thoughts to more positive ones. The law of attraction is that what you are thinking you are also creating; so by thinking positively, you will create positive situations (yes, it is that simple).
What if Up? steps:
1. Be aware of your thoughts and what you are saying. Catch yourself imagining something negative happening, i.e. "I'm never going to make it in time," or "What if they don't like me," or "What if I blow my interview,"
2. When you hear or say something that is negative, immediately think or say something positive, "What if I catch all the lights and get there early?" or "What if they really like me and want to go out again tomorrow?" or "What if they offer me the job and 10,000 extra?"
3. Repeat as necessary. If you are worrying and creating stories of possible bad things that can happen, instead think or say something positive. We often treat things like they are inevitabilities when they are in fact only one way that it could go! We are more powerful than we think, and we can easily create a more positive experience for ourselves if we focus on the good possibilities!
It is normal for excitement to causes eagerness and impatience, especially when things don't happen immediately. However, you're exactly where you need to be at this current time. If something isn't readily available, then it is not the correct time for it to happen. Take this time to focus on what you need to learn first from this transition phase in your life before moving on. Every experience we have is a chance to learn and grow, work through the experiences rather than pushing things aside. If you look inward and see what you're thinking and how it is holding you back, it will actually speed up the process. We are creating extremely fast, so fast that I've had a thought come in and within hours I've created that experience in my life, without the intention of trying to create it. When I see what I created and that it isn't aligned with exactly what I want, I realize that I didn't use the What If Up exercise and look at my other options. Instead of settling, learn to back up and use the exercise to create what you really want in your life.
Kelly DelVecchio is interested in leading a healthy lifestyle through studying spiritual healing, Ayurveda medicine and aromatherapy. She began her personal brand Fit Is Fun in November 2015 which offered health and fitness coaching. Overtime she has found more passionate in holistic healing, so Fit Is Fun has recently been changed to Well Verbena, a holistic health and wellness program. Kelly is a 200 hour Certified Yoga Teacher, certified in Reiki level 1 & 2 and recently became a DoTERRA Wellness Advocate for essential oils. Kelly is continuing her education by currently fulfilling requirements towards becoming a 500 Hour Registered Yoga Teacher and Certified Personal Trainer. Kelly was fortunate to be given the opportunity to volunteer for the 12.14 Foundation in Newtown, CT for two consecutive years, which involved a team of highly knowledgeable leaders that presented hands on activities to build strengths, confidence and personal development to young children in the arts program. Kelly enjoys spending her time in nature, practicing yoga and loves to play volleyball. Follow Kelly on Instagram @wellverbena or contact her by email at email@example.com.
Christine is the editor at Miylana.com and she records the podcast How to Survive Earth School with Janice Corsano. Aside from managing the blog, she also works as the marketing manager for Miylana and assistant to Janice Corsano. She has two of her own side businesses, CT Haunted History Tours, and Old Soul Holistic. Christine also works at Two Coyotes Wilderness School as a mentor, is Reiki I and II certified, holds a certificate in Green Medicine from the Open Center in NY and enjoys writing, yoga and growing her own veggies. She has two dogs, three jobs, and zero free time. And she loves everything she does.